I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
