Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
