can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
