at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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