you traded sex for a burrito?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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