guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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