Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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