his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
