Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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