I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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