My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
