i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
