he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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