Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
