I want to make a zoo with you.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
