It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
