i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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