I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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