Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
