If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
