Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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