she looked like the bat from fern gully.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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