just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
