At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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