pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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