dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
