When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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