I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
