I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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