my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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