Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
