Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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