Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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