I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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