so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
