If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
