Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
