i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I smell like Dick and happiness
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
