I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
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