Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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