new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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