well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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