i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
did i just pee glitter
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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