I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
