what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
