meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
