he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
