Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
