if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
