Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize