Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
