Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
