Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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