I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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