we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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