I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
