; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
It was confusing and full of hummus
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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