I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
