update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
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