Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
