He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
