be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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